Losing Normalcy

Finding out you have cancer takes away so many things you hold dear but one of them will always stand out for me; normalcy.  What is that word?  The definition is: the condition of being normal; the state of being usual, typical, or expected.  I no longer felt normal – I felt alone, hopeless, an alien.  I remember it was Thanksgiving and I had just had my breast biopsy.   I did not have the results from the biopsy but I knew I had cancer.  I remember seeing the ultrasound technician’s face when she was pushing the wand against my lump.  Her face turned to fear, and when she ran to get the doctor to finish the procedure, I knew immediately.  I didn’t tell my family, I wanted everyone to have a great holiday.  I remember sitting on the couch, with my breast bruised and battered and watching my family having fun.  It was a surreal moment for me – my sense of normalcy was gone.  Cancer was my new normal.  The sense of hopelessness can be overwhelming even when you have the most amazing support system around you.

From that day on, I was chasing normalcy – wanting to be that old self before the big C came into my life.  It’s the fear of the unknown when you start the cancer journey.  There are so many questions that you want to ask but you are stuck in a dark cloud trying to find your way through.

I’m now almost 8 years out from that time where I lost my normalcy but it’s starting to return and it feels wonderful!  I will never take it for granted.